It hurts more than it did last time, almost six months ago. I really do love you, I still do. And I always will. You have no legitimate reason to be angry or to break my heart, even though I know you believe you do. Why lie to yourself and convince yourself it's the truth.. I will never understand. Nor will I understand how it all happened so quickly. I guess that's life.. Right? You don't understand how or why anything happens.. Only in retrospect do you realize how much these kinds of things shape you, for better or for worse. I don't want anymore.. I just want to be alone until I've fulfilled the necessary obligation of existing, for however long I'm meant to. Going in I was guarded, knowing that all good things must come to an end. A lesson I had learned a few months before. And now, coming out, all I can say to myself is "Why didn't you listen? You could have prevented it and instead, you're sitting here crying. You had the most beautiful time, but now you're paying it for it, and you only have yourself to thank." Perhaps this goes along with my love for self inflicting pain. But this pain hurts more than any others, including those of its kind. If only you would have believed me, on so many occasions, instead of believing your assumptions, which were based on a crazy idea in your head.
I really do love you, I still do. And I always will.
Through a long string of coincidences, I've found happiness again. It's hard to determine where the string ends, but fate is amazing and mind-baffling in that way. I could follow it back to the middle of last year, but I think October 31st is when everything kicked off. It's just so...awesome, incredible, that this is where that string has led me. I really can't believe it.
Everything is such a process.. Putting on your face, making friends.. Getting over someone you once loved. But by the end of the process, you're happy with the results right? That's the point isn't it.. To work at it and go through all the steps until you're happy with it? Well I've been working really hard. I've gone through all the steps: sadness, hurt, anger.. Now I'm at indifference. I feel like I'm close to the end. Just a little more time and I'll be okay.
" Shame on you
For thinking
You're an exception
We're all to blame
Crashing down to Earth
Wasting and burning out
Fading like a dead star
Harm is coming your way
Yeah it's coming your way
You used to be everything to me
And now you're tired of fighting
Tired of fighting
Fighting yourself
Shame on you
For thinking
You're all alone
If you want I'll make you wish you were
Failing to impress
Why can't you sleep with
Someone who'll protect you
Harm is coming your way
Yeah it's coming your way
You used to be everything to me
And now you're tired of fighting
Tired of fighting, of fighting yourself
Yourself, yourself, yourself
Fighting yourself, fighting yourself, fighting "
I feel like it's someone speaking directly to me. Every single line. Shame on me for thinking I'm an exception..
I know it's probably largely my fault but everyone's right: I do deserve someone so much better. She was amazing until she ended it three times, and that makes her not-so-amazing after all. The only thing I wish now is that I hadn't been so stupid and naive to let myself fall in love with such a person, someone who can't commit, can't forget her exes but can forget me so easily. I'm still not over her.. But I guess, I just haven't met the next amazing person yet. However, when I do, I will be very wary so as not to walk into another trap all over again.
I'm back in Singapore. I'll write more about it and upload pictures when I have proper internet at my house again. The library is awful for a privacy freak like me.
And then hopefully the next time I write, I'll have better things to write about than this depression I've fallen into. I looked up everything that's wrong with me on WebMD, I have ALL the physical signs of depression, and the emotions to match. If it looks and sounds like a chicken.. It's just temporary though, maybe a six month slump in my year. You know what, maybe it's not a chicken, I know I'm upset about her, and it will pass when I find someone better. I'm not depressed depressed, like I was a few years ago.. But then again, I really don't know. One of my lovable quirks is that I am forever in a constant state of denial.
"The National Weather Service has issued a Tornado Warning for Arapahoe County in Colorado. Be sure to find shelter in a basement, bathroom or closet on the first floor."
When I woke up the sky was bright and the weather was warm. Very quickly however, it turned cold and dark.
For once the weather is reflective of my mood, not the other way around. It's strange, the weather describes perfectly the feelings I've already gone through today. Right down to the shortlived pitter-patter of rain.
It's very interesting.. Listening to the thunder while I thundered inside with anger. And now when it's all done, everything is quiet and still outside, while I sit here, void of any feeling with absolutely no thoughts passing through my mind. The wreckage of what's happened is all around me, a scarf, a doll, a gnome, a lock. Stripped bare of any meaning due to the words and actions of myself and another party.
I keep wanting someone to listen to me, and understand how I feel and help me. In some twisted way, this might have been a reminder that someone is always listening. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for but I suppose this is better, although I can't really explain why.. Something about tangibility and omnipresence, I guess. I never thought I would be looking toward such a thing for guidance.. Isn't that called God? Oh dear.. My kind-of-not-really-religious upbringing doesn't like that idea so much, because I don't care to know anything about God as a religious figure, and God as the Universe is too much for my small mind to understand at this time.
Sigh.. Growing up is such a painful process. Trying to teach me something by making me feel so worthless, stupid, and disposable.. At least I can see a sliver of blue sky but it's far far away..
"There are as many kinds of beauty as there are habitual ways of seeking happiness." -Baudelaire
The rose bushes in the backyard are podding. Even though this is their time of rebirth, they look deader than they've probably looked all winter. A torn petal, fading color, covered in cobwebs.. It's springtime; that unhappy and somewhat grotesque-looking thing is the seed, the start of life. I suppose, the way I'm looking at it, that's where the beauty is for me.
I'm seeking happiness after all that happened, but it hasn't really come to me yet. I thought I might have been doing something wrong (actually I was pretty sure I was doing several things wrong), but if that rose pod can contain beauty, then maybe there is no right or wrong..
I just have to learn patience and trust in myself.
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